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Behind Enemy Lines: Braving the Snake Hole with Jose

What better way to prepare for a treacherous series than to visit the belly of the beast. In preparation for the first Reds playoff series in 15 years, I decided to check in with my sworn enemy, Mr. Jose Miranda, to give everyone else a sense of what I have to deal with on a daily basis in Philly. Hide your women and earmuff your kids; ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Scorpion King himself...


Reed: Of all the teams in the National League, how appropriate that our teams drew eachother. Describe the general feeling of Phillies Nation on this Round 1 match-up.


Jose: The general sense and feeling I've been able to garner from my fellow comrades in this world of Philly dominance is that there is unfinished business that is yearning and screaming for the Phils to reach out and seize vengeance. That elephant in the room is the Yankees, we want them. The Reds symbolize the first team we will conquer, we have no concerns about Cincy in any fashion or form. The Phils are superior in every facet of the game, its not even competitive, the Reds don't even deserve to be facing us, Cincy played in the worst division in baseball, in our division they would be a 3rd place team. Oswalt & Hamels have overpowered the Reds repeatedly, and Doc will follow suit. It's going to be a sweep , we have no respect for your starting pitching nor your bullpen, and your hitting wont be able to keep up with the prolofic offense that the Phils wield at will.


Reed: Interesting. I didn't ask for a lesson on run-on sentences and poor word usage (yearning? screaming? prLOFic??), but I guess life is full of surprises. To be clear, Phils fans have no respect for the same Reds starting pitching that beat them two out of three in one series and gave up a total of 5 runs in the four-game sweep (I don't count Mike Leake's meltdown)?


Jose: You don't count a lot of stuff pal, your one of those "analyst" that like to constantly state "well if we disregard the one inning he gave up 10 runs to your offense then he pitched a stellar start", that absolutely ridiculous. We have no respect for Volquez nor Cueto at this point in their careers. They're not built for the playoffs against a force such as the Phils, their stuff is dynamic but they don't have what it takes internally to compete with us, and Arroyo has and will never be good enough to be a high end starter for a serious title contender, period!


Reed: Astounding. In that case, what are Phillies fans MOST worried about, entering this series?


Jose: Dude we are the best team in baseball, were not worried about anything, do you not understand this?? We have to much talent, swagger, weapons, and intestinal fortitude to be worried. The only "concern" we may have is that Dusty Baker is a very respected manager that has done a good job with an inferior Reds team, much respect Dusty!


Reed: Leave it to the Satan Spawn to commend the Reds for the one aspect of the team that most Reds fans malign. Next question: What are your thoughts on Joey Votto being overlooked by Charlie Manuel in the All-Star selection process, only to go 11-for-28 (.393 BA) versus the Phils this year with 3 ding-dongs, including one to tie the game versus Brad "let's keep the lights on a little longer" Lidge?


Jose: Votto is the most overrated player in baseball this year, dude had a great 1st half, but September is what matter and Ryan Howard has proven that's what he does best repeatedly. Lidge was in another place mentally during the portion of the year he gave up that home run to Votto (by the way we still WON that game), Lidge has been dominant all September, the back end of our bullpen is one of the best in baseball currently. We have no concerns about the Reds top 4 hitter winning the series, I'm actually more concerned with Stubbs or Bruce going off and making this series competitive, but I'm not seriously distressed by that either.


Reed: Congratulations. By bad-mouthing Votto you should now expect 8-10 letter-bombs sent to your house with Cincinnati-area return addresses. My people don't take kindly to those type of shenanigans when it comes to the MVP. Last question: Karl Ravich compared the Reds to a porcupine that is backed into a corner, and suggested the Phils might take a proverbial quill to the face. If you were a porcupine, or better yet, if you were the Reds, how would you attack this series, with an eye toward upsetting the reigning NL chumpions, I mean champions?


Jose: Dude if I were the Reds I would get my affairs in order, say my prayers, and tell my mom I loved her, CUZ THEY'RE ABOUT TO GET KILLED!! Better luck next time Cincy, bad luck that you got the champs, be happy to finally be in the playoffs because I sense that the Cards will bounce back next year.


Welp folks, there you have it. The man, the myth, the Antichrist: Jose Miranda. As if you needed any more reason to tune in. Here we go!


Reed Domer-Shank 10-6-2010

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